Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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