hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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