im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
