so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
