Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
