tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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