dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Couch. On fire.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
