I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
