This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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