We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
