Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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