I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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