I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
