I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
