Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
