She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
