i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
