My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
