Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
where are you?
Hypothermia
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
