I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
