I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
