i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
