you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
