i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
