I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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