Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
