i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
