bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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