drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
