Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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