the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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