just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
