Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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