First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
