Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
