I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
