God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
