see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
