It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
