I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
