Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
wow bdsm is so cute
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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