Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
A bitchslap is in order.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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