i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
