I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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