genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
