I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
