He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
