my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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