it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
