apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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